Decisions…decisions

I’ve been debating with myself for about two years. Writing my first book was super emotional for me. It would literally take my breath away and I vowed I’d never do it again. Writing from the heart like that will always cause an outpouring of blood and it’s always your own. I’ve done some soul searching and I’ve decided to go at it again but from a different angle. This one will be fiction and contain less of my real life experiences. If you look answers will come. Regardless of what you believe religiously, we’re all spiritual beings and when we seek answers, we’ll find them. Stay tuned for the title reveal…..sometimes I even impress myself

One Proud Momma

Tonight was Brandon’s Boy Scout holiday dinner. Fun, festivities, and lots and lots of cub scouts. It’s been a while since I’ve had young children. Three of the. Boy Scouts disappeared – my son included. I later heard that the boys were being “reprimanded” and really, there’s no telling what for. I later learned that Brandon was actually getting a “pat on the back” as a conflict resolutor (not sure if that’s an actual word). As it turned out, two of the other scouts were arguing and bickering and Brandon just couldn’t take it any longer. He called them into a side room and basically told them enough is enough and made them work through it. The Scout leader overheard the conversation and thanked Brandon for being able to resolve conflict. I was definitely one proud momma tonight. There are many things in my life that I’ve totally screwed up, but one thing is for certain, I did well in raising my kids. My oldest is living on his own and engaged to an amazing young lady who is going to dental school. My daughter is in nursing school in Jonesboro and my youngest is an A-B student, in the gifted & talented program, on the chess team, in the band, stands against bullying, and is an all around great kid to be around. I feel amazingly blessed to have such great kids. No, they’re not perfect but they’re close enough for me

At a loss……

I try to make it a point to blog a couple times a week. Some people are interested in what I’m up to plus it lets me get some things off my chest and bounce some ideas around through the web-log world. Some of my best ideas have come from blogging. But this week has been different. Everything has been so pain-stakingly difficult. I saw a therapist for a while several years back. After seeing me for a while, she actually told me that based on the tragedy of my life I could have taken any road – good or bad – and nobody could have blamed me…..how sad is that. But I’ve always taken the high road. In the past two years, the high road hasn’t been easy. Oh the times it would have been easier to self-medicate. To simply sleep through it all. But I didn’t give up. So today, I got back to my roots. I set up an altar and spent time before it in silent meditation. Things were better….almost whole. I may never get to be another’s definition of “whole” but for me “almost whole” is where I’m comfortable with myself. “Almost whole” still allows for imperfection. I can never be “whole,” but “almost whole” is perfect for me

Ya gotta know when you’ve had enough

If you follow my blog regularly, you know that I have had some serious struggles. I’m typically a happy go lucky glass half full kinda gal, but it just seems that everything is out of control. The grief I’ve suffered over the loss of my beloved Dixie Mae has been insurmountable. I’m not one to go to see the doctor, but I finally gave it. It was just to much to bear. So I saw my primary care doctor and got something for anxiety. It seems to be helping. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe this trial is to remind me that I’m weak….that I can’t be strong all the time. Then again, maybe there’s no lesson to learn here. Only time will tell.

But life must go on. I’ve had to put on my big girl panties and face every day. A candle burns outside my bedroom window where my precious Dixie Mae has been laid to rest. Today I managed a health fair at the hospital and was able to put on a fake face. I wear a fake face more often than I care to admit. I’m a firm believer in “fake it till you make it.” So pushing forward is what I will do. Everyday is a new beginning. I’ll throw myself I to my work and maybe I’ll hit my six figures next year. Thank you to each of you who have been thinking of me as I’ve struggled through this trial.

Moving on

Pain is what I feel right now…….I never dreamed I could be so attached to an animal. My precious Dixie Mae left this world on Friday. My life is forever changed because of her. I’ve mourned. I’ve grieved. I’ve even self-medicated. Sleep has been my solitude. When I sleep I feel nothing, which is what I want more than anything. I can’t help but wonder what I’ve done to deserve this pain. I’m not perfect….far from it. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. And I’ve paid a high price for those things. How much more do I have to pay. I’ve lost everything. All my parents within 18 months and all to terrible deaths. Through all that I had my precious Dixie Mae. And now she’s gone. I almost have to chose to believe that there is no God. If I believe that there is, I have to believe that he is a cruel and vindictive entity that inflicts nothing but pain on those who are weak. I hate feeling that way but I don’t know how not to. I’ve begged this god for forgiveness….for love…for favor….but have received nothing. I feel like a small child begging her parents for love only to have them slap her face and walk away. God continues to swing at me and I’m not sure how many more times I can get up. So at this point I have to believe in only me. I have to believe that what I have, I have not because of a higher power but because I worked for it. I have to believe that it is I who must look out for me. It’s sad….it’s like a death really. Everything that I have based my life on is changing. But I will keep moving on. It’s what I do. I can’t give up. I have to put on my big girl panties and live to fight another day……