Moving on

Pain is what I feel right now…….I never dreamed I could be so attached to an animal. My precious Dixie Mae left this world on Friday. My life is forever changed because of her. I’ve mourned. I’ve grieved. I’ve even self-medicated. Sleep has been my solitude. When I sleep I feel nothing, which is what I want more than anything. I can’t help but wonder what I’ve done to deserve this pain. I’m not perfect….far from it. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. And I’ve paid a high price for those things. How much more do I have to pay. I’ve lost everything. All my parents within 18 months and all to terrible deaths. Through all that I had my precious Dixie Mae. And now she’s gone. I almost have to chose to believe that there is no God. If I believe that there is, I have to believe that he is a cruel and vindictive entity that inflicts nothing but pain on those who are weak. I hate feeling that way but I don’t know how not to. I’ve begged this god for forgiveness….for love…for favor….but have received nothing. I feel like a small child begging her parents for love only to have them slap her face and walk away. God continues to swing at me and I’m not sure how many more times I can get up. So at this point I have to believe in only me. I have to believe that what I have, I have not because of a higher power but because I worked for it. I have to believe that it is I who must look out for me. It’s sad….it’s like a death really. Everything that I have based my life on is changing. But I will keep moving on. It’s what I do. I can’t give up. I have to put on my big girl panties and live to fight another day……