Insomnia

It’s been a really long time since I’ve blogged. I usually blog about health and wellness, but this morning I’m blogging about something bigger….mental health. I didn’t think I would get through yesterday and in reality I didn’t. I had more than 10 crying spells and there’s not medication you can take for a broken heart. Stockings were hung on the stocking wall for my mother, my in-laws, and my precious Dixie Mae….4 souls that should have been with me for the holidays. Four candles were lit on our table to represent their souls. As I talked about the candles, tears running down my face and pain in my heart, my phone rang. I didn’t answer as we were taking a moment to honor those not present with us. After a moment of silence, I checked my phone to see who had called. As God as my witness, the call came from my mothers cell phone. “Missed call from Granny.” There is no explanation for it. It just happened. Mommas been gone just over a year. I can’t decide if that has made me better or made me worse. I can’t a pendant for my charm bracelet from my husband. It’s of a dog….the theme “a smooch from a pooch is good for the soul.” It really is. That made me happy and sad at the same time. It’s just been difficult. Too many things……to many emotions…..too many endings. I’m waiting for the new beginnings but I can’t see them yet………I know they’ll be there.

Ya gotta know when you’ve had enough

If you follow my blog regularly, you know that I have had some serious struggles. I’m typically a happy go lucky glass half full kinda gal, but it just seems that everything is out of control. The grief I’ve suffered over the loss of my beloved Dixie Mae has been insurmountable. I’m not one to go to see the doctor, but I finally gave it. It was just to much to bear. So I saw my primary care doctor and got something for anxiety. It seems to be helping. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe this trial is to remind me that I’m weak….that I can’t be strong all the time. Then again, maybe there’s no lesson to learn here. Only time will tell.

But life must go on. I’ve had to put on my big girl panties and face every day. A candle burns outside my bedroom window where my precious Dixie Mae has been laid to rest. Today I managed a health fair at the hospital and was able to put on a fake face. I wear a fake face more often than I care to admit. I’m a firm believer in “fake it till you make it.” So pushing forward is what I will do. Everyday is a new beginning. I’ll throw myself I to my work and maybe I’ll hit my six figures next year. Thank you to each of you who have been thinking of me as I’ve struggled through this trial.

Moving on

Pain is what I feel right now…….I never dreamed I could be so attached to an animal. My precious Dixie Mae left this world on Friday. My life is forever changed because of her. I’ve mourned. I’ve grieved. I’ve even self-medicated. Sleep has been my solitude. When I sleep I feel nothing, which is what I want more than anything. I can’t help but wonder what I’ve done to deserve this pain. I’m not perfect….far from it. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. And I’ve paid a high price for those things. How much more do I have to pay. I’ve lost everything. All my parents within 18 months and all to terrible deaths. Through all that I had my precious Dixie Mae. And now she’s gone. I almost have to chose to believe that there is no God. If I believe that there is, I have to believe that he is a cruel and vindictive entity that inflicts nothing but pain on those who are weak. I hate feeling that way but I don’t know how not to. I’ve begged this god for forgiveness….for love…for favor….but have received nothing. I feel like a small child begging her parents for love only to have them slap her face and walk away. God continues to swing at me and I’m not sure how many more times I can get up. So at this point I have to believe in only me. I have to believe that what I have, I have not because of a higher power but because I worked for it. I have to believe that it is I who must look out for me. It’s sad….it’s like a death really. Everything that I have based my life on is changing. But I will keep moving on. It’s what I do. I can’t give up. I have to put on my big girl panties and live to fight another day……