Insomnia

It’s been a really long time since I’ve blogged. I usually blog about health and wellness, but this morning I’m blogging about something bigger….mental health. I didn’t think I would get through yesterday and in reality I didn’t. I had more than 10 crying spells and there’s not medication you can take for a broken heart. Stockings were hung on the stocking wall for my mother, my in-laws, and my precious Dixie Mae….4 souls that should have been with me for the holidays. Four candles were lit on our table to represent their souls. As I talked about the candles, tears running down my face and pain in my heart, my phone rang. I didn’t answer as we were taking a moment to honor those not present with us. After a moment of silence, I checked my phone to see who had called. As God as my witness, the call came from my mothers cell phone. “Missed call from Granny.” There is no explanation for it. It just happened. Mommas been gone just over a year. I can’t decide if that has made me better or made me worse. I can’t a pendant for my charm bracelet from my husband. It’s of a dog….the theme “a smooch from a pooch is good for the soul.” It really is. That made me happy and sad at the same time. It’s just been difficult. Too many things……to many emotions…..too many endings. I’m waiting for the new beginnings but I can’t see them yet………I know they’ll be there.

At a loss……

I try to make it a point to blog a couple times a week. Some people are interested in what I’m up to plus it lets me get some things off my chest and bounce some ideas around through the web-log world. Some of my best ideas have come from blogging. But this week has been different. Everything has been so pain-stakingly difficult. I saw a therapist for a while several years back. After seeing me for a while, she actually told me that based on the tragedy of my life I could have taken any road – good or bad – and nobody could have blamed me…..how sad is that. But I’ve always taken the high road. In the past two years, the high road hasn’t been easy. Oh the times it would have been easier to self-medicate. To simply sleep through it all. But I didn’t give up. So today, I got back to my roots. I set up an altar and spent time before it in silent meditation. Things were better….almost whole. I may never get to be another’s definition of “whole” but for me “almost whole” is where I’m comfortable with myself. “Almost whole” still allows for imperfection. I can never be “whole,” but “almost whole” is perfect for me