Pain is what I feel right now…….I never dreamed I could be so attached to an animal. My precious Dixie Mae left this world on Friday. My life is forever changed because of her. I’ve mourned. I’ve grieved. I’ve even self-medicated. Sleep has been my solitude. When I sleep I feel nothing, which is what I want more than anything. I can’t help but wonder what I’ve done to deserve this pain. I’m not perfect….far from it. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. And I’ve paid a high price for those things. How much more do I have to pay. I’ve lost everything. All my parents within 18 months and all to terrible deaths. Through all that I had my precious Dixie Mae. And now she’s gone. I almost have to chose to believe that there is no God. If I believe that there is, I have to believe that he is a cruel and vindictive entity that inflicts nothing but pain on those who are weak. I hate feeling that way but I don’t know how not to. I’ve begged this god for forgiveness….for love…for favor….but have received nothing. I feel like a small child begging her parents for love only to have them slap her face and walk away. God continues to swing at me and I’m not sure how many more times I can get up. So at this point I have to believe in only me. I have to believe that what I have, I have not because of a higher power but because I worked for it. I have to believe that it is I who must look out for me. It’s sad….it’s like a death really. Everything that I have based my life on is changing. But I will keep moving on. It’s what I do. I can’t give up. I have to put on my big girl panties and live to fight another day……
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November 12, 2014 at 2:14 pm
Dear Evelyn, I wish that I could hug you and cry with you. I am sorry that you have so much pain now. I wish I had the perfect words to bring comfort and peace to your soul.
All I do know is don’t reject God, He is not punishing you. He is not the author of death. Satan is. God is the creator of life.
I read His Word for comfort:
– The thief does not come except to steal. and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10
I don’t understand why things happen the way they do and I also have questioned God about many things.
This I do know- true peace and love can only be found in His Presence. I have experienced this for myself. His love is the sweetest love I have ever experienced.
Once when I was so broken hearted and I cried and cried, I felt His touch and I sensed He was also crying with me for He felt my pain. In John 11:35, it says “Jesus wept.” His friend had died and He wept brokenhearted too. So He knows how our heart breaks with grief.
He understands your doubts and your questions and even your accusations. I once screamed at Him. “You promised, dammit.”
Then I waited to be struck by lightening. It didn’t happen, but I walked in the most beautiful love experience for the next three days. God understands and He does love you. I hope it’s okay that I pray for you.
(Lord. put Your mighty arms of comfort around her and let her feel your love. Let her have a visible tangible evidence of Your love for her today. Bring comfort and peace to her heart and spirit. Let her feel Your sweet Presence and know that yes, You do love her. Send those that can minister to her what she needs. love and assurance. Lord, she is hurting now. I ask for a complete healing of her broken heart. I ask that depression leave and the spirit of gladness return. Lord, I ask that she receive a new life, full of new joy. Amen)
If you want to talk, you can call me at (251) 751-6872.
Hear me as I pray, O LORD. Be merciful and answer me! My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “ LORD, I am coming.”
November 12, 2014 at 2:30 pm
Thank you. That really is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Do pray for me. I need peace and comfort and a desire to do what needs to be done. Right now I don’t have that.
November 12, 2014 at 4:15 pm
I have been and will be. Keep me posted on how you are doing.
deborahccrocker@gmail.com